The subjective voice of experiencing out-of-home care (OoHC) in the aftermath of removal from family of origin is poorly researched. This phenomenological study explored the “lived” experience of OoHC from the perspective of 4 adult care leavers reflecting on their childhood. Seeking both positive and negative interpretations, semistructured interviews were analyzed using interpretative phenomenological analysis. Two superordinate themes—unconditional is conditional and learning to walk with self—highlighted juxtaposed layers of complex traumatic distress and psychological growth for these participants. Conversely, as they navigated loss of family of origin and the expansive foster care system into which they were thrust, distress appeared to stimulate the emergence of self-reliance as a barrier to further traumatic loss. They spoke of nebulous and ambivalent commitment from new carers that repeatedly inhibited relational depth; however, the occasional glimmer of genuineness was remembered and appeared to facilitate doing “it” differently in adult life. Crucially this study highlights that foster parenting in OoHC has the potential to nurture healing from family of origin trauma but invariably contributes to cumulative distress on earlier childhood trauma. As such, foster parenting requires a unique ability to engage relationally with traumatized children. Poor remuneration and screening, and lack of training in healing and reparative support for childhood trauma, will continue to risk the future adult mental well-being of children placed in OoHC.
